


When I Met You, My World Trembled - RESTORED

by AyeDreamer



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: 2Park!Friendship, Alternate Universe - College/University, Cheery!Daniel, Customer!Daniel, Dark, Depression, Drama & Romance, Emo!Jihoon, Eventual Romance, Florist!Jihoon, I Will Go Down With This Ship, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Smut, Transformation, mentions of cheating, not explicit, side-jinhwi, side-ongniel, side-winkdeep, slight angst, trigger warning rape mentioned
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-10
Updated: 2018-10-23
Packaged: 2019-01-09 15:12:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12279042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AyeDreamer/pseuds/AyeDreamer
Summary: Jihoon is suffering from depression. But instead of aiming to get better, he continuously dig his own grave by surrounding himself with all the toxicity in the world. It becomes a daily routine to simply succumb to the hateful and hopeless feelings he carries deep within him. That is until an obnoxiously optimistic boy visits the flower shop he works at and becomes a regular buyer of the purple coneflowers."If ever you're at your limit of no longer being able to breathe from this world, call me and I'll give you all the air you need."





	1. Chapter 1

**Jihoon**

Waking up to numbness is probably the scariest thing to wake up to.

There are billions of people in the world. Yet I feel alone and unneeded.

This feeling must have accumulated from the countless of pain and disappointments I've had for the past few years of my life.

When my parents lost themselves to gambling and fled to who-knows-where, and my first boyfriend, the only person I ever loved, ended our three-year relationship, my life went in all sorts of wrong directions.

I dropped out of College and moved out of town.

A town that's secluded from the big city. A town full of unknowns and mysteries; one that did not know me.

I only had a few hundreds of bucks on me and ended up setting deals with a few bad people to rent a place to stay. To put it directly, I was a drug-dealer for a month before I gave it up for the sake of what little dignity I still had left in myself.

Living in starvation after I applied for jobs to which no one hired me in, I turned to my last resort. I stole from the rich.

From a drug dealer to a mundane type of criminal: a pathetic burglar. I got caught and dirtied my record. And it made me think, made me believe—

...that Life fucking sucks.

Life screwed me over.

Everything I ever had; _gone_.

Everyone I ever loved; _gone_.

And I don't know how to get back up.

{} **For Jihoon, it's a daily routine left unbroken**  {}

It was a continuous cycle.

Jihoon gets up from his bed, leaves it unmade, has the decency to at least wash up, shave, change into a pair of black matching outfit, and is out of the door without bothering to leave a note for his drunk-ass roommate with a chocolate bar hanging in-between his teeth.

With a loose gray satchel swung across his shoulder, he stepped out into the world of sewage pungent, wet muck and cracked pavement. Living in the poorest area in town serves these kinds of circumstances.

This is also what happens when you run away from home, thinking you can get by alone without financial help from any of your parental figures (not that he had any -- except for that wealthy uncle who was probably or probably not looking for him). It was one of those stupid adult decisions Jihoon has made in his life, yet his fervent pride insists him to not admit it, to not regret.

He was alone. MIA from his relatives, out from the city he grew up in and was somewhere no one knew a "Jihoon". It was like building a whole new identity for himself.

The once passionate, determined and strong-headed Jihoon from his previous home is now the complete opposite. This Jihoon who abandoned his dream, his home and his friends was a hopeless cost. He was far too gone and far too tainted to gain any bit of his old-self back.   

Thus, he's stuck in this dirty, hell hole. Suffering from tight budget and the great depression.

Pun intended.

* * *

Dust and silence welcomes Jihoon into the flower shop. The only reason he was hired in this place was because it was practically deserted and the sheriff wanted him out of the street. No one in town buys flowers here anymore. There was a more successful and bigger flower shop near the town's entrance, attracting hundreds of customers while here, Jihoon is opening the shop knowing that no one will even come to visit.

After two criminal charges on Jihoon's record, the sheriff took him under his belt with a contract agreement of 80 hours of community service, and working as the only employee of this flower shop for two complete years. But hey, at least he still got paid. The minimum wage was enough to let him pay for his rent and other basic necessities. Though there would be no change left after paying his bills, it's not like he had anything personal he wanted to buy anyway.

After his first charge being a theft case, another charge was added from a rough, drunk fight that "disturbed the neighbourhood". The other guy got sent to the hospital who Jihoon did not know was filthy rich, so that charge certainly went up a level.

After multiple ambushes at night (courtesy of the guy Jihoon sent to the hospital), Jihoon had had enough of bloody fights. He kept getting questioned by the sheriff and watched by police officers at broad daylight, and when Jihoon ran out of excuses to tell, the sheriff eventually found out the truth. The sheriff changed Jihoon's previously one year commitment with the flower shop to a two year contract, which made life even more unbearable.

Jihoon decided to do something about it. And that's how he met his alcoholic roommate.

Taejeon is one of the leaders of a notorious gang underground. Jihoon had offered to keep Taejeon's crimes a secret from the police, as well as a room to stay in if Taejeon uses his power to get rid of the bothersome guys behind Jihoon's back and make sure Jihoon can live in peace.

His offer was accepted and now here they are.

Taejeon comes home either drunk, with bruises, with hickeys, with a random chick or all of the above in their flat, whereas Jihoon would leave the place in the weekends and sneak into his  **only friend's**  apartment that was only a block away to not bother his roommate and his nightly activities.

Fuck his life.

* * *

The bell to the flower shop rings.  
   
In surprise, Jihoon warily placed his book down then hopped off the counter with a curious gaze darted towards the glass door.

Someone just came into the shop? But no one comes to the shop.

"Hi!"

Immediately, Jihoon cringed at the high and chirpy tone.

"I saw that your store has purple coneflowers outside and I was wondering if I could buy them?"

Looking the customer up and down, Jihoon's first impression was that this boy was a sore for eyes.

He wore a bright and wide smile on his face with crinkled eyes resembling an excited puppy, and was tall with perfectly toned, long legs. And compared to this shop that Jihoon hadn't even bother cleaning except for watering the plants and keeping them hydrated, the upside-down "open" sign at the door, webbed storage and jumbled packets of seeds on the racks screamed "stay away from this store!"- yet here comes a customer after five months of no one coming by -- a miracle.

And something very **laughable**.

"There's another flower shop three blocks from here by the town's entrance," Jihoon said before picking his book back into his hands to return to reading. "They sell those kinds of flowers there too."

The boy scratched his nape then replied, "Actually, I was there earlier. The store was really packed and the employees forgot to restock the purple coneflowers so I wandered around to see if there was another shop somewhere then saw this one. Thank goodness your store has the flowers I want! Is it possible for me to buy them?"

With pursed lips Jihoon placed his book back down and said in a mono-toned voice, "A piece costs $1.75. A whole bouquet with ten pieces costs $13."

The boy grinned. "I'll take a bouquet."

Jihoon got to work. Which sounds weird because this is the first time he has to actually prepare a bouquet after a five-month drought of having no customers at all.

He was fond of the flowers. Needing to commit to the store for 2 years and bored out of his mind forced Jihoon to take interest in the books he found stacked randomly at the storage room, looking very old - some with ripped and tattered pages - which were mainly about the study of flowers (as expected since this is a flower shop).

His work was basically composed of reading, watering the plants and planting seeds on Sundays of every other week.

Therefore straight from knowledge, he knew what the purple coneflowers symbolized and the meaning they carried.

"Are you the only one who works here?"

Jihoon was stumped.

This boy is the first customer and the first ever new person to start a conversation with him ever since he signed his probation contract. Jihoon didn't like to mingle with others. As previously mentioned, his life was boring and depressing -- a cycle of the same routine: waking up, going to work, closing the store to go home, saying a word or two to Taejeon, then going straight to sleep or sleeping over at his friend's place.

So this.

This was new.

"Yes," Jihoon muttered then mentally winced because wow did he suck at making conversations.

"Must be a boring job."

The thing is Jihoon could have just let the silence eat the room whole then the boy would get what he came for and leave without another word, so Jihoon must have been out of his mind when he said, "I'd choose boring than a busy and stressful job any time."

The customer perked up. "Really? But boredom is almost comparable to death itself. Nothing happens all day, and you're just stuck wherever you are, living but not really living."

Jihoon snorted. "You speak as if you've been to death that you can compare it to something."

The boy shot him a melancholy smile. "I have actually. I had a heart-transplant a few months ago and well, this is me moving into this new town and starting fresh. I'm Kang Daniel."

Jihoon didn't know what to say.

It was the first time someone had the sense to react to his dark humor. Though maybe this Daniel person did provide more information than necessary. He could barely register the hand reached over to him for a handshake.

This boy was a serious **sore-eye**. A very **bright** sore-eye.

After wrapping the purple coneflowers nicely together, he handed the bouquet to the still out-reached palm instead of shaking it. The scene looked comical. "That would be $13, please."

Daniel took the bouquet, paid and said, "Thank you. They're very beautiful, but is it okay if I ask for your name?"

This was a shit, poor-quality job so Jihoon wore no uniform or a name-tag. He didn't think anyone would be interested in wanting to know him due to his rather emo-fashion style, but he humoured the boy. "It's Park Jihoon."

Daniel never stopped smiling even as he left the store.

And if Jihoon had to be honest, the smile was rather contagious. So if anyone else came by to the shop that day (which totaled to zero), they would've seen Jihoon reading his book on top of the counter with his feet unusually swinging back-and-forth in a content mood. 

_Daniel, huh._

_Not like I'll see him again._

* * *

"Hi!"

Jihoon was absolutely dumbfounded. 

"Is it okay if I stay here? Since it doesn't seem like any customers will come by anyway, why don't you and I hang-out? You're the only person I know in this town."

"You don't know me," Jihoon grumbled as he put the same book he had been reading yesterday down, only a couple pages left until its end, when Daniel decided it would be a good idea to come in.

"Yes, I do. Jihoon, right?"

With a click of his tongue, Jihoon hopped off the counter with crossed arms. "If you're not buying anything, leave."

Daniel only grinned. "If I buy another bouquet, will you allow me to stay?"

"There's nothing for you to do here," Jihoon argued. 

"I can hang with you. Read the books you're reading. I'm interested in knowing more about the flowers too."

After thinking about it, Jihoon licked his dry lips and asked, "What flowers do you want?"

He yielded because one, Daniel seemed like the type of person who would not stop to bother someone just to get what he wants and two, he thought it would maybe shut Daniel up from all the talking.

"The same ones as yesterday. The purple coneflowers, and thanks Jihoon. I think we'd be great friends."

Jihoon held back from rolling his eyes while proceeding to prepare the bouquet. He walked outside with scissors in hand, but what he did not expect was for Daniel to follow him. He shot the boy a glare. "What are you doing?"

"Huh? I want to see how you're going to make the bouquet. I was too busy browsing your store yesterday and couldn't see you make them. I want to learn from you, senpai!"

Jihoon's right eye twitched. "Senpai..?"

Daniel at least had the heart to feel embarrass at the inquiry and simply mumbled, "Yeah, it's the Japanese word equivalent to sunbae, I guess. I like to read a bit of manga and manhwa..." he said the last sentence as quiet as possible but Jihoon still heard him.

It was honestly so fucking cute.

And Jihoon does not find anything remotely cute. 

Biting his bottom lip as to not show any type of amusement, Jihoon turned his back on Daniel before continuing with his work. "Do whatever you want."

"Okay, senpai! What's the first step?"

 **Confirmed** : Daniel was a sore-eye and a terrible headache.

* * *

Jihoon didn't understand how someone as sociable and friendly as Daniel would want to hang out with him, but the latter still did. Daniel did not leave until it was time for Jihoon to close the store.

"I'll see you again tomorrow, Jihoon!" and so the lad disappeared.

It was unusual and unfamiliar. He didn't want to admit it but maybe he was looking forward to tomorrow just to see what kind of expressions Daniel will have on his face next. Jihoon observed that the boy was very expressive. Cooing and clapping with twinkling eyes when he made his very first bouquet in the shop today. Daniel made a ten-piece bouquet out of purple coneflowers and claimed enthusiasm to put them near his bedroom window later that day. Jihoon tried to keep a poker-face on the whole time but was unable to let a small smile slip its way in when Daniel wasn't looking.

Daniel was like a child, mirthful to watch.

 

\--

 

As Jihoon entered his room, he did not expect to see someone sitting on his still messy bed.

"Jinyoung."

The brunet looked up at him with glassy eyes and it didn't even take a minute before Jihoon was being engulfed into a tight hug.

"Jihoon, can you stay over at my place today? Daehwi and I got into a fight."

This was Jinyoung. The only friend he previously mentioned.

Jinyoung and him were what you could consider "friends with benefits." Just like Jihoon, Jinyoung had his own issues to which both used to influence each other into staying depressed.

On the days where Jinyoung would be very emotional, he would recite quotes or poems to Jihoon that were dark; revolving around the concept of death and the existence of the void, while he stayed over. Jinyoung was more well-off compared to him and had a flat on his own. Jinyoung worked at a coffee shop downtown that paid more than his work, but behind the kind smiles he gives to his customers is a dispirited boy in need of comfort and escape.

Jinyoung also had a boyfriend named Daehwi. They've been together for four years, and maybe that's why Jinyoung can't tell his boyfriend any of his hidden scars.

A few months ago, Jihoon found Jinyoung at an abandoned alley, naked with blood dripping in between his legs. He didn't have to guess to know what had happened. Ever since then, Jinyoung fell into a painful torment, calling himself dirty and even distancing himself from Daehwi for a couple of weeks. Of course it hurt the both of them, but Jinyoung didn't actually want to let his boyfriend go.

And so here is where Jihoon comes in.

Jihoon is the person Jinyoung vents to. Verbally, Jinyoung would tell him off, cuss at him while Jihoon let him. But a few weeks later, it became physical...and somehow intimate. Jinyoung was afraid of sex and wanted to overcome it yet he couldn't go to Daehwi and ask for help.

Jihoon gave him what he wanted.

It was something Jihoon never really got around to thinking about. He had other matters in his life that needed more attention than the idea of sex. He was no teenager anymore. He was a 20 year old adult, and then there's Jinyoung who was younger. Only by a year, but also very fragile.

When Jinyoung started crying underneath him, thinking back to his rapist, Jihoon had panicked.

Was he hurting him? Was this a bad idea? Is he going to tell him to get lost?

Jinyoung continued to shake underneath him and Jihoon did what he thought would help -- he kissed him.

Jihoon kissed him over and over again.

Harder. Longer. Better.

And when the tears stopped flowing and Jinyoung had begun to kiss him back with equal force, Jihoon thought that maybe it was the correct choice. A choice he finally chose right.

And maybe this time, he won't fuck anything up. 

* * *

During those intimate nights, he would make Jinyoung feel loved. Something he never thought he was capable of doing. But he did them. He made Jinyoung feel loved even when they were all **faux**.

Because that's what Jinyoung needed.

Jihoon's desire did not matter.

His feelings did not matter.

Jihoon wanted to be needed. He wanted a purpose. And this was it.

Living for the sake of someone else's needs. Living until he was no longer wanted.

Is it because this person is Jinyoung? Did it have to be Jinyoung? Or could it have been anyone else who looked like they needed him?

Jihoon didn't know. But he wanted to believe that it's because this was Jinyoung.

And that no excuse can ever be given as to why Jihoon is the biggest **asshole** on the planet.

"Let me grab my mask then we'll head to your place."

* * *

"Hey, senpai! Today you're going to teach me how to make a mixed bouquet this time, right?"

"No, you still don't know much about flowers to get to that level yet."

Daniel frowned. "Aw, so what do I have to do?"

Jihoon handed him a book almost as big as the encyclopedia. "Here. Know the names of the flowers and what they symbolize."

"But I already know what purple coneflowers mean!"

"Yes, and there are other kinds of flowers beside the purple coneflower."

The stubborn lad was still not convinced. "Why do I need to learn about other flowers?"

Jihoon shrugged and bluntly, he put it this way, "Well what else can you do at this shop? I've memorized all 151 names and their meanings from that book. Even their images and how they look, I've memorized. So if you want to get to my level, you should know them too."

Daniel's eyes sparkled. "Okay, but add another condition to that list."

Jihoon arched a brow.

"After I've memorized all the names of 151 flowers in this book and their meanings, will you go on a date with me?"

The sound of scissors falling on the floor made them both jerk in surprise, but really Jihoon was more shock at what Daniel just said.

It had to be a joke. Anytime now Daniel would laugh and tell him it was just him trying to be funny, yet Daniel looked at him with such intense and sincere eyes that Jihoon had to quickly look away, feeling flushed.

"That's a ridiculous condition."

Daniel frowned for the second time that day. "I-Is that a no?"

"Yes, it's a no."

"Oh."

"Can I like edit my condition?" Daniel's ears were already bright red from embarrassment and it was admirable how he tried to keep a firm tone. "It won't be considered a date if you don't want it to. It'll just be me and you. Friends. Hanging out together?"

Silence. Jihoon thought about it. Was Daniel truly being serious?

To be honest, there was no harm in it. Despite being socially awkward and unfamiliar with stepping out from his comfort zone, the idea was tempting.

Daniel was really interesting.

"Is it still a no?"

Licking his lips, Jihoon finally replied. "It's a yes this time."

* * *

The next day Daniel does not visit.

**Jihoon**

It would be a lie if I said I didn't wait for you.

It would be a lie if I said I wasn't constantly looking at the door, waiting for you to show up—

Any minute, any second now. . . It was pointless counting down time because you didn't come. 

I should've been used to it by now. To disappointments.

So why did it still hurt when you broke your words? 

Why did you show up only to disappear so quickly?

Why did you have get my hopes up only to trample on it?

And more than ever, it's become very hard for me to breathe lately.

* * *

"Hi!"

Jihoon does not look up from his book. He does not acknowledge the sudden appearance of another presence in the store.

"Jihoon, did I upset you?"

No reply.

"I'm sorry but I had to go for my orientation as a transfer student at To Be One College. I forgot to tell you the other day."

Daniel was being honest. Jihoon had to know.

Yesterday, Jihoon had been so depressed; so sad and angry at that thought of Daniel disappearing into thin air, yet here comes the said boy he had been looking for.

In front of him, alive and breathing—offering an apology.

"Jihoon, please talk to me. I'm really sorry. I really did go to my orientation yesterday. I can even show you my schedule...but I left it at home..! I can go back and get it, then I'll show you if that's what you want!"

"Okay, get it."

Without another word, Daniel had ran out of the store and it made Jihoon's eyes widen.

 _Is that idiot really going to get his schedule? What the fuck?_  

Jihoon pretended he hadn't been glancing at the door every now and then. He was chewing his bottom lip and nervously fiddling at the book in his hand. But he didn't have to wait any longer because the next thing he knew, Daniel was rushing back in while waving a paper in his hand. "J-Jihoon! I- I have it here! Look!" he was vigorously panting from the harsh run he just had. "I have two morning classes on Mondays, ugh, one afternoon class on Tuesdays, two classes on Wednesdays, but I'm off on Thursdays and only one class on Fridays! I'll come by during my break and on the weekends!" 

Unable to keep up with the silent treatment act, Jihoon gave up. "You're going to College here?"

Instantly, Daniel turned eager at Jihoon's decision to reciprocate his words, "Yeah! I'm studying for Business Accounting and is in my third year. What about you?"

"I don't go to school."

"Ah, how old are you?"

"20."

"I'm 22! So that makes me older than you!"

Jihoon only hummed. Despite Daniel's childish antics, Jihoon guessed that he was older based on the way Daniel dresses (amidst his contrasting personality) and his fine sharp jaw.

Blushing that Jihoon even noticed such a trait, he pulled a broom from behind the counter and handed it to the older lad. "Here. I was thinking of cleaning the store. And you're going to help me."

At first he expected Daniel to refuse because really, who would want to spend their day cleaning? But surprisingly, Daniel replied with a nod of enthusiasm and even a salute. "Where should I sweep first, senpai?"

It was inevitable. Daniel was way too cute.

And Jihoon couldn't help but giggle.

Daniel gasped, "This is the first time I've ever seen you make that face and that sound!"

Jihoon immediately cleared his throat. "Start by the corner at the back then sweep your way to the door. While I organize the racks."

With quick steps, Jihoon got to work, but turned a brighter red when he heard Daniel call out from behind him, "Just to let you know, you're really cute, senpai!"

 _Shut up!_ _You're cuter._

* * *

**Jihoon**

Daniel was working hard. It was slightly moving if I had to admit. After he finished sweeping the floor, he had gone to my side to help me with the racks seeing as I hadn't finished my task. I told him I was fine doing it by myself yet he only grinned at me with his stupidly bright smile saying, "Won't it be faster if we do the work together? Beside, maybe I want to be near you. But then again, that's only a maybe if you want it to be a maybe."

"What do you mean?" I questioned; heart slightly racing. 

His hands stopped working on the rack. He turned to me with a clear and sincere gaze.

Then he confessed, "I mean, I want to be near you. But if me saying that makes you uncomfortable, I'll add a maybe. So **for now** , it's a maybe that I want to be near you and that I'll wait for the day I can say it without that maybe."

Daniel went back to work while I just stared at him with wide-eyes. He was truly bold. Always catching me off guard and I honestly did not know how to respond.

I never thought about getting into another relationship after my first one. I've always thought that my first relationship was also my last. Especially since my mind was more occupied with pessimistic thoughts of self-hatred. It didn't occur to me that someone like Daniel would even take an interest in me. I was lost.

I didn't want to imagine myself with Daniel. It wouldn't be fair to him. Not with the circumstances I have at home and with _Jinyoung_. I don't deserve him.

I think about all this as I stare at Daniel and the smile he has on his face again.

"By the way Jihoon, can I buy another bouquet of purple coneflowers?" Daniel suddenly requested. "Oh, and a yellow rose too!"

With a tiny curve on my upper lip, I nodded. "Sure." 

 

\--

 

Spending $13 almost everyday as if it was nothing; Daniel must be rich.

I prepared the bouquet with such ease after having to memorize the feeling and rhythm of making this very same bouquet every time. _Odd_ , I thought. Daniel also requested for a yellow rose.

"Here, that would be $14.75."

Daniel paid then took the bouquet from my hand. Only the bouquet. I still had my other palm reached towards him since he has yet to take the single rose. "Don't forget this one," I say.

He chuckled. "Actually, that's for you. I haven't finished that encyclopedia book you gave me yet, but I coincidentally saw the page about the yellow roses. They symbolize friendship, correct? I'm giving this to you because I really hope we can be the best of friends. And this is me asking for permission to get to know you more. If that's alright with you?"

This time I didn't hold back.

This time I showed him a real smile.

His words made my heart flutter and I was genuinely happy that he took the initiative to make us feel closer to one another.

And maybe, just this once, I can give in.

"Thanks, Daniel. I- it would be nice to be friends."

* * *

**Jihoon**

I was in a good mood which was very unusual because I can't remember the last time I felt this good.

Daniel was nice. He made me feel all kinds of pleasant moods. Strangely addicting even.

The feeling was foreign but definitely not unwelcomed.

When he officially asked to be friends, I was delighted. There was actually someone in existence who wanted to get to know me. To break down my walls and see my **imperfect—**

I stopped. 

Im-per-fec-tions.

He'll see my imperfections.

Suddenly, **I feel naked.**

Insecure and self-conscious.

What if he doesn't like what he sees? 

Will he leave me after seeing my real self? 

It's been so long since I had an actual friend. I've forgotten what it's like to have one. I've forgotten how it is to act like one.

There's Jinyoung but, Daniel wouldn't want that kind of friend.

An asshole like me. A relationship-wrecker like me. If Daehwi ever finds out, he'll--

 _I couldn't breathe_.

If Daniel ever finds out, he'll..!

 _I want to stop breathing_.

No one can find out.

Daehwi can't find out.

But most importantly, Daniel can't find out.

I-

Someone-

Air-

Air-

I need

—air.


	2. Chapter 2

**Daniel**

I gave up once, but never again.

At the age of 20, I was diagnosed with heart cancer. Just hearing the word "cancer" made me feel hopeless. My mother was a single-mother. Dad died a few years back with the same condition. You can say that cancer ran in the family. And my whole family—what was left of it anyway—hated the fact that we were going to go through the same process all over again.

Mom refused to leave me alone in the hospital. But seeing her dark circles, thinner-looking limbs and tired face, I begged for her to take care of herself as well. It hurt seeing her so weak. It was an image I couldn't see her in; it broke me.

She agreed to go home to eat and wash up but still made sure to visit every day with flowers in hand.

I found it weird that she brought the same kind of flowers each time so I asked, "Why do you bring the same flowers everyday?"

She mustered up the best smile she could give me before replying, "These are purple coneflowers, Niel. They symbolize strength and health. Suiting because all I wish right now is for you to get better and for you to stay strong. Don't ever leave this world, okay, my baby?"

Inevitably, I teared up at her words then nodded. "I won't leave, I promise, mama."

There came a moment where I wanted to end all our sufferings and just die. But then I realized that choosing death would be the most selfish and dumbest decision I can ever do to her. She wanted to hold on. She wanted me to hold on, to stay strong and not leave her.

Time was ticking yet she desperately clung on.

On the day of my birthday, I went down into my final seizure. I thought I would never open my eyes again after that. I thought it was done. Everything was done. I'd go and leave my mother devastated. It was a horrible thought.

But I woke up.

I woke up and opened my eyes to the world again.

I woke up with no one by myside.

The doctor and nurses came pouring into the room, checking my vitals and condition. It was a blur. Too many things were happening; too overwhelming that I went out due to fatigue.

I woke up-

and something was missing.

Dread surged through my body.

Someone was missing.

"Daniel, you were lucky enough to receive a heart transplant at the last minute. We've been talking to your mother about it and the possibility of you continuing to live on if we find the perfect heart donor for you. We looked for months, but we couldn't find the right one until two weeks ago.

Your mother took a test to see if her heart would be the perfect replacement. The result came into a 97 percent match. She signed a contract and demanded to have the surgery done if ever your heart was at its limit. We honoured her wish.

You carry her heart now. Because she wanted you to live."

I was  
speechless.

I needed time to take the doctor's words in. I needed time to process as to why that missing feeling I had was actually referring to the abscence of my mother whom I didn't see the minute I woke up.

I thought back to the time I wanted to just let go, and die.  
If I had finalized my decision then—if my mother had not been given time to take the test—would she be the one here, not me?

If only I chose to be selfish.

Would she be the one to live on?

So many what-ifs, so many useless what-ifs because what's done is done.

My heart, her heart; it beats. It beats while I cry and scream for someone who I know will never come back.

I'll live for you if that's what you truly want.

Your heart..! I'll treasure it well!

I'll love the way you loved me.

I won't let anyone break my heart. Not this heart. Not your heart.

 

\--

 

After a few months of rest, I moved out of town at the age of 22. Before my illness, I had been studying Business Accounting at YMC College as a scholarship, second-year student.

My family was well-off but I still chose to apply for scholarship simply because I didn't want to depend on my parents' money as much as I can.

I moved to the farthest town away from the big city to start fresh. I enrolled in To Be One College after passing my exams to move up to third-year. The professors knew my condition and offered to assign tutors for me. I recovered at home to prepare for the exams I had to take in order to obtain the credits I needed for the following year, and passed.

The first place I went to after settling into my new place was the flower shop. But that shop did not have the flowers I was looking for, so I left.

That's when I met **you**.

You who was the epitome of devastation itself. Wearing all-black with the saddest eyes I'd ever seen. It reminded me of myself—the me who laid on the hospital bed waiting for my light to flicker off.

Immediately, I wanted to hold you. To tell you that everything would be okay. But that would make me an idiot because there you sit, absorbed in whatever you were reading, and I saw it—in your eyes, deep within you was desperation.

You were hanging on, weren't you?

Just like my mom, you didn't actually want to give up, did you?

You're strong.

Stronger than I am.

Everyone has their story.

To be able to tell you everything is okay, I had to first understand and know what that everything was.

This everything that was hurting you, the things that were making you wear that face—I wanted to eradicate every single one of them.

This new life, new heart, that wanted me to live on—

I suddenly desired to share the experience with you.

If you'd let me, I will lend you my hand.

I'll open a path to your dark world.

And later with your desperation and my spirited heart, a day may come for them to coexist.

To live on with you.

To move on and be happy with you.

If you'd let me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [!!] This chapter is not completed. I didn't realize I clicked "post" instead of "preview" T__T I guess you can see the first part of the chapter................  
> [18.10.23!!!] I did some rework with the chapters and am currently working on an update. Thanks.


End file.
